These are the lyrics, as far as I can figure out, to the Sportscreme cassette, "Songs Satan Masturbates To". They don't make much sense.

Your Parents Ate Out a Rocking Horse:

Tony Randall's enema bag is running for mayor of San Francisco/ your parents ate out a rocking horse and puked on a picasso/ your dad's ears like toothpaste/ Abraham Lincoln likes to fuck kids, and your teeth are dumb and like to fuck your face, fuck me/ your parents ate out a rocking horse on a Saturday morning, with ??? children with pants/ your parents ate out a rocking horse with a slice of Velveeta between their buttcheeks/ your bush likes dental floss and it likes to throw up inside of a washing machine where a couple little kids got fried and drowned/ and we thought it was funny because some black guy had his nose shot off/ and it was funny because your parents ate out a rocking horse/ and i pissed/ and i pissed on your face/ you gave me money to piss on your face, you fuckin piece of shit, you ??? retarded asshole son of a bitch, fuckin leftover piece of shit, i hate your guts, stupid fuckin retarded asshole, son of a piece of shit, retarded lip-suckin piece of semen... fuck... beat off the members of Token Entry

A Toad Ate Out Grandma Walton:

love is retarded, i hate a fuckin dog, i hate your dad and i hate his fuckin asshole, i kicked your dog right in the teeth, i barfed on a houseplant and then i beat up my pud/ your toothbrush ate out Billy Joel, and then he fucked a toilet seat, a green muffin fell out of his nose/ an elderly retarded landscaper named Jim squirted thick loads of cream on a jello maker/ with 3 pounds of horseradish with your tush, and several neighbors from midwestern towns did come by/ a big purple lizard ate your mother's Downy and a washing machine ate fuck/ so did your mom's testicle/ your fuckin dork looked at your balls, then you ate out your dad and you fingered your sister's little twat, you beat up your little toad, you fuckin kicked the ass of a gerbil/ will you ever live under your parents' faces/ ooooooohhh your testicles!!/ ???

Evil Sheep Diarrhea Spoon:

there's a house where my semen lives/ lives on the corner of your parents' street/ and there's 7 eyes on the stop sign with your folks and your dad/ venetian blinds like to talk about your dick and you threw up when you were a kid at a K-Mart/ I ??? a nose-paper up on my dick, and then i sanitized it with some blades from a fan/ and then beat off on a book by Renee/ and signed my name on John Johann Sebastian Bach's bush/ that's what your tit said/ you're stupid and ugly/ i hate the look on your dick/ you threw up on your ??? nose/ you ate grandma's little pussy hair and shaved your dad's dork/ Juice Newton ate out a smurf

Your Cum is Sensitive to My Needs as a Woman:

your cum is sensitive to my needs as a woman, i think i'm gonna cryyyy/ oh your cum takes me bowling and buys me red roses and it loves me all the time/ and it (gives me head?)/ i'm so in love with your cum/ i can't think of an evening that would be more appealing than going for a country ride, just me and your cum... because your cum..... is sensitive.......... my needs as a woman..........

John Lennon Stuffed Seven Irish Setters in Frank Sinatra's Pussy:

i like to put my scrotum in a tackle box/ so my father finds ??? bagel ??? lox/ i like to kill dogs with my toupee/ John Lennon stuffed 7 irish setters in Frank Sinatra's pussy/ my sister is not as heavy as i would like/ a catfish convinced your brother that he was gay/ then he ate out a Earth and pissed on your trousers/ i like you/ i like to go douche-douche/ that's what your tit said/ your butt is fat and it has a degree

Your Pussy Just Stepped on My Dork:

asparagus typewriter armpit squidbutt potassium sorbate lava lamps aardvark tofu sweatsock freeze-dried rhinoceros abortion seagull cabbage (asteroid?) transmission meatloaf protein/ your tonsils fucked seaweed extract conducive to your folks beating off an eggplant with your meat/ cobweb Billy chewed up 9 goldmines and shit on a menu at Denny's, plus a dog's nose got pissed at a club sandwich because it vomited 6 dollar's worth of peach cobbler out of its urine-soaked snatchie-poo/ i like to go dooooo......./ smoosh/ ??? little brother, because he's a retarded fella/ he goes to ??? school, he works out/ and he tried to get a civil service job, but he was too fuckin stupid/ so he just sat around/ and he fuckin ate some pineapple/ and he shot his head off because he likes you/ some people get so heavy-set/ it's hard to picture them when they were thin/ a lot of kids are born, they're already heavy-set/ that would suck man, bein heavy-set

Admiring a Poster of Chinese Retards (I Like to Blow Shit):

i caught wind of Fonzie fuckin a little ape in the zoo/ mom and dad were crazy about Elmer's glue/ they fucked little kids and blew stuff on their folks/ ate out a retard that resembled egg yolks/ mom and dad were busy making more kids/ they'd look at the posters that had pictures of SIDS/ your face and dad took a shit on a cardboard box/ then a furnace fucked your little retard's pile of barf/ then your folks said to me that you didn't (pay?)/ then you fucked a shopping cart with your moustache and (dad?)/ so's your cum/ fuck you (alternating each line, more or less, with the chant of "we like to blow shit")

That's What Your Tit Said:

i'm gonna put ___________ in your vagina:
(fill in the blank space with each word/phrase below, one at a time of course!)
my penis
an alligator
a beer bottle
a guitar
a firetruck
something made out of plastic
a dog
somebody's face
the sun
an owl's facial disc
my shoes
a horse
the queen of england
a book
a whole library
something made out of metal
a palm tree
my parents
a wedding cake
i like cream/ i like to go douche/ fuck (alternating each object, more or less, with the chant of "that's what your tit said")

Dixiecup Steamshovel Sex:

if you'd like to give a monkey a blowjob, you're not alone/ but you have to wear a polka-dotted dress/ and throw up and drink malt liquor with a boy named BLAY-UUUM-FUCK/ your balls live at home now/ i just threw up on your seven-year-old sister's shaved pussy, all right/ i find myself saing 7-9 a lot, because Matt Lindsay's got 9 dicks/ 7 of em are cool, 2 of em are not/ 9 dicks/ 7-9/ 7-9/ kinda like your facial disc/ Disc the Owl was a little flustered the other day cuz we were talkin about throwing semen in his face/ with your puss and your folks and your 7-9/ dad/ this fuckin song is going nowhere, but it's still fuckin great/ i think your bush deserves a very harsh treatment of my ballllls/ your dad built the Eiffel Tower with his penis in 1916 and threw up on a little kid who was in a burn unit with some tits on his head/ you stuck your head in a coffee can, threw up, and said, "Dave, i like to puke"/ and my dad went and vomited on some toast and then he talked to some senators about beating off on some graham crackers, which is important to him and Sally Fields, and most dentists named Cum/ the Panama Canal is made out of your mom's vagina hair/ i like to blow some cream around/ anywhere in this town/ so does your face/ i don't like your da/ he needs dental work/ but he's just a plumber/ your mom's a jerk/ but she's a cummer/ you have a wok/ you like to blow shit/ you hate your dad/ you love punk/ you like construction cones/ you hate bosco/ so does your bush/ that's what your tit said/ fuck off/ i love you/ i like cream/ squirts

Midge Ure's Left Testicle:

you/ i know you/ you like to eat your butt and so does my dad/ i will not forgive you/ i am going to hunt you down like an animal and take your life/ if you even knew how fucking angry i am right now you would be shitting your pants in fear because i know what you do and i am not pleased/ i will find you/ i will kill you/ whatever means is necessary/ i will deprive you of your right to live because i know what you do/ i know your name and i know what you're all about

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