THIS IS QUACKTRON

 

 

(actually, just one representation of him)

(notice the small “h”)

 

QUACKTRON is the god of FAILURE and the PRIMARY DEITY in QUACKTROLOGY.

So FUCK YOU!

All manifestations of the all-weak Quacktron are small pieces of lint. I’ll bet you didn’t know that!

We also worship scorpions (the animals, not the fucking band)

We deny the existence of Christ and we denounce the Abrahamic “god” as a total asshole

Our chief enemy is SUCCESS in ALL of its forms

Also things that are “well-liked”

We’re not talking about...

“I succeeded in keeping myself alive today”

WRONG

We ARE talking about:

“I started a band and made a hundred grand!!!”

 

This religion is GUARANTEED to be the ONLY ONE THAT ISN’T HYPOCRITICAL because it will

NEVER BECOME SUCCESSFUL.

 

Our HOLY PILGRIMAGE SITE is HKAKABO RAZI, the highest mountain in BURMA. The holy land stretches through the Himalayas and into southeast Asia, including Tibet, Nepal, northeast India, Bhutan, Burma, Laos, Cambodia, Vietnam, and to lesser extents, Bangladesh and Thailand. We are also crazy about Iran, Azerbaijan, Albania, Mali, Tanzania, Western Sahara and Papua New Guinea. We fucking hate Ireland, the United States, and most of South America. (NOTE TO RETARDS: “South America” begins at COLOMBIA, NOT MEXICO!)

 

Here are some other things we Quacktrologists (YUP, IT RHYMES WITH “PROCTOLOGISTS”) regard as TOTAL DOGSHIT:

(items in blue are REQUIRED)

 

the C.I.A.

Bacon

Beer

Tobacco

Mashed potatoes

Steak

Corn on the cob

Fast food

American cheese

South Park

The KKK and related “values”

The religious right

Chuck Norris

Trolls

republicans

ART

Impracticality

Logic

Empirical evidence

Slow drivers

Misogyny

Intellectualism

Babies

Cellphones

Metal music (with the exception of DEICIDE)

Bologna

Hot dogs

Salt pork

The 1980’s

Zombies

Star Wars

TEXT MESSAGING

Twilight

The Beatles

Vampires

WORK

American country music

Military

Buffalo/bison meat

LIVE AUDIO PERFORMANCES OF ALL KINDS

blonde hair

blue eyes

anorexics

adults using violence on children (YES, A SLAP IN THE FACE IS VIOLENCE!!!)

 

And here are some things we FUCKING LOVE:

 

Bob Black

Punk and garage bands that never got well-known (unless they got attention MOSTLY from notorious compilation series, such as Killed By Death or Pebbles)

Vinyl records (and 78 rpm records) (not SHITTY ones)

Victrolas

LAMB (as food)

GOAT (as pet or food)

OCTOPUS (as pet or food)

DEERMEAT

D’Anjou pears

The Symbionese Liberation Army

HANDGUNS

L.S.D.

world FUCKING peace

Transferring the world’s wealth to people who NEED it

creative mental illness

mangoes

Lambrusco

onions

garlic

galangal

SATAN

hot peppers

the Black Panthers

Burmese astrology

CURIOSITY

teaching oneself

folk and classical musics of Asia and Africa (including the Mideast)

David Lynch (except BLUE VELVET and THE STRAIGHT STORY; the jury is still out on Twin Peaks)