Lyrics to some of the songs on Monumentally Retarded! Enjoy!

Song #21: "Pork Rind Farm" by Strange White Slab

i took a dumpster and i named it Tweezler and then i got up to fuck a nickel/ a green shaven clam would bounce the daisies, a friendly fire hydrant tried to kick my corn bean/ the ants fiired a governor because he had dropsy/ my pants caught on fire and melted a tin llama/ the Uranium Vacuum Company licked up my ankles, the red potato sat on the edge of Al Gore/ the river ran away and the rats kicked a cow, the lawn fell in my toothpaste and i don't know how/ the macaroni engine ran away with a knife/ the spork tried to be a sturgeon all of his life/ meatloaf has the last word when anviling a cheese curd/ socks and lice in Guadalajara, yo no se que este es para/ a beetle and his lamp, they look very clover/ a herd of walrus wrote to me in care of a moon rover/ when they got there the cupboard was square/ a log of yakmeal was your best friend/ ??? tried to eat a diaper named "Algae"/ because there was a friggin' carpet with appendicitis/ and then a bunch of yogurt ran away with a fish that you hung on the wall and lacquered for your grandma

Song #25: "Goats Are Your Frogs" by Carburetor Piss Popsicle

goats are your frogs/ they like to eat drapes/ and lava rocks play tennis/ all over the trees in your toilet lid/ there's a tumor in my ass/ it would go nice with you/ i hate myself more than me/ peel me a piece of grey matter/ pea soup all over nobody's grimwold/ ???/ ???/ ???/ ???/ your breakfast is a leper farm/ pour me another eyeball freezepop/ ???/ try that one fuckface/ ???

Song #27: "Fuck People" by Odassential Attendities

fuck people

Song #28: "Camel Shit" by Tittyfuck a Volkswagen

this isn't a band, this is camel shit

Song #32: "Qrat PIP Squot BIKP" by X-Ray of a Boiled Sandwich

Click here (pleh)

Song #34: "Country Tune (Grab You Crotches)" by Odassential Attendities

notice that down home beat!/ fucked my mom and then i got drunk with my dad and then we killed each other/ yup!!!/ then we went outside and we explored the barnyard and fucked everything we saw, even the lawn ornaments/ then we went four-wheelin/ made sure we brought along a lifetime supply of tobaccy/ just so we couild eat our folks out with dental floss (i stole this line from Wheelchair Full of Old Men Records, i apologize)/ and well, we didn't have any brothers or sisters and we really thought that was a bummer, so we had to make some out of wood and plastic so we could fuck them and have some kids/ go on welfare with funny-lookin kids/ fuckin inbred kids/ i went down to visit my grandma in jail because she had been convicted of hitting me in the head even though it was ME who beat her up that night and called the cops on HER/ that's the American way/ i like to fuck myself every day/ i think i have a dick, but i'm not quite sure/ i have to keep checking, very often

Song #35: "The Car Song" by Food

fell asleep in my car and my lips turned blue dreamed about a girl in a dress/ peeled off the dress and underneath there was just steel wool and sweat, she smiled/ kinda sweet and i got dizzy/ woke up and hit the brakes/ fell asleep in my chair and the t.v. turned fuzzy at 3 a.m./ woke up and it reminded me of steel wool again/ that scared me too/ so i turned off the lights and the heat and the radio too, and the place was empty and cold like it was before/ if you chew tinfoil in the dark you can see it start to spark like fireworks in your mouth, but it hurts, so you gotta spit it out with your teeth and your gums and your eyes and your ears and your hair and your feet, till there's nothin left but some scars, that's all

Song #36: "John Lennon Stuffed Seven Irish Setters In Frank Sinatra's Pussy" by Sportscreme

Click HERE sonny!

Song #38: "Spinach" by Strange White Slab

spinach likes to dance and throw grenades/ cha cha/ spinach likes to dance and throw pots and pans/ cha cha/ spinach likes to dance and they wear socks and pants and spinach likes to dance and throw grenades/ CHA CHA

Song #39: "Ted's Family Diary" by Strange White Slab

i turned up the anvil coz i couldn't hear it talkin/ then i tried to fuckin eat a walkman/ then my fuckin grandparents screamed at the bottle of gin because it wouldn't turn on like a t.v. did/ they ate every damn katydid, now i gotta have a fuckin frozen dinner/ well, it's composed of all my relatives, since 1207 - the year, that is/ we all barfed out a fridgerator because it was the fun thing to do and it was hip/ we all sprouted leaves out of our duodenum/ oh we certainly did NOT/ streetcars full of lemon pudding/ crashed into the stadium/ where a bunch of fucking rejects were playing kazoos/ see, where i come from, the boa constrictors like to yodel about plants and eggs and sportcoats named Dan

Song #44: "I Am a Redneck" by Dick Flower

i am a redneck, that's all i am/ and if you don't like it, get off my land/ go huntin and fishin with my plug of tobaccy/ some folks say i'm crazy, you're a tad bit wacky/ ??? four-wheelin/ ?????/ ran into a group of anarchists/ ??? got a little pissed?/ don't know if you know it or not, but them folks are strong/ kicked me and Billy's asses all over our front lawn/ now here's the story, of this little tune/ never be a goddamn redneck buffoon, YEEHAW!

Song #48: "Mosquitoes" by Odassential Attendities

i hate mosquitoes they get in your fucking face and they fly up your nose and they wanna be part of your stomach and they really aggravate me you know and they bite me and i have to itch and they fly in my face and they make nests in my hair and they think their relatives all wanna come over for a party with a lot of hors d'oeuvres in my hair/ y'know/ mosquitoes really piss me off/ they don't taste very good either/ they really aggravate me/ they don't like your mother either/ so there

Song #49: "Eat Your Veggies" by Strange White Slab

fruit and vegetables, they weren't your parents'/ they're mine, give em here!/ i'm gonna fuck you dog/ there's a bunch of cats in your socks and they won't go out/ coz they can't find the door to the (bagel that's?) over in the chainyard/ my sister was a pirate, they fucked an iguana/ just because the leopard liked to eat the lawmixer/ bugs and shit/ cheese and farts/ my books are from the jungle, that's why they speak dirt, no.../ i grow hair in my driveway, would you like it by the pound?/ i doubt it/ because some raspberries were gettin real violent about your uh... crawdad cakes there, sonny/ oh, picnic in the park, would you like a uranium-sicle?/ or maybe just a hammer and a wedge/ to drive between/ a wedge, just a wedge/ to drive between your grandma and that slut she tried to divorce/ every last one of your uncles crawled out of a cake named Vernixt/ they jumped off the bridge, except the bridge wouldn't do it, the bridge jumped off them instead/ could you put a "for sale" sign on a "for sale" sign?/ there's some piss in my pocket dear Melba...

Song #51: "Buy Wise Special" by Orangeade

it's the buy-wise special

Song #53: "Dan Curewitz Blues" by Liquid Infant

noise, that's all they make is noise/ SHUT UP!!!/ WAKE UP!!!/ woke up in the mornin/ saw the sun shinin outside/ got outta bed/ walked to get the mail, then it started to rain/ ugh/ i said "shit! it's rainin!"/ then i went inside/ got my gun/ went back outside/ went after my mailman/ coz he sent me a letter/ a letter from my baby/ it said "dear baby/ i don't love you no more"/ so i went, and i killed my mailman/ then i went, and i killed my baby/ coz she didn't love me anymore/ and i found somebody new/ i said "baby, i love you, and nobody else"/ she said "baby, you got a nice car, you got a nice house, you got lots of money, i love you and nobody else"/ i said "baby, you got all the wrong reasons but you do all the right things, so i love you baby"/ then i went back to my house and found my baby back in it/ she was dead/ i said "shit, i killed my baby"/ but i loved her and nobody else/ i went back to my new baby, said "baby, you can have my house, you can have my car and all my money/ just leave me my old baby, coz i love her, and nobody else/ next mornin i got up/ saw the sun shinin outside/ went outside to get my mail/ i didn't get no mail, coz i killed my mailman!/ then i went back inside, got my gun, shot myself/ then i killed the piano player coz he didn't know what the fuck he was doing!!!

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